External Adept: One American Experience

[This account is taken from an E-Mail sent the day following the Rite.]

Well I am a bit more rested but I still feel very disoriented.  Anyway here
is what happened last night…

I drove to a state park about 2 hours south of here that I selected.  The
site was about a 2 mile walk in with a fairly good trail.  The site is on
top of a rocky ridge and had an open area for a clear view of the sky.  The
place I picked was a huge rock slab about 10 X 12 and about 12-15' from the
front edge to the ground.  The site was ideal and completely isolated with
no other campers or hiker around.

I got there about two hours before sunset changed into my clothing (black
utilities and black button down oxford with combat boots purchased from the
military surplus outfit).  As you suggested I took my hand-made ritual knife
and tetrahedron as required.

When sunset came I laid down on the stone with my knife in my left hand and
my tetrahedron in my right.  I listened to what you said about the one
initiate that sat up, so I pointed the knife tip at my chest fully knowing
that if I jumped up it would stop me and positioned the tetrahedron point in
the palm of my hand so if I felt myself starting to doze off I could squeeze
my hand and the point of the crystal would wake me up. The fact that the
rock slab was up 12 feet was also an incentive not to bolt.

As soon as I lay down I damned near had a panic attack. Genuine terror. In
the pit of my gut.  I was completely nauseated and thought I was going to
vomit right then. It was unreasonable and I wanted to flee more than
anything.  I did not think I could do it and I wanted out.  I was angry and
frustrated beyond measure. Now I see why the MSS says not to bring a
flashlight.  If I had wanted to leave (and I did), I could not have found my
way back to my truck.

Somehow I was able to detach from the terror and told myself to calm down
and that I only had two goals for the whole night… don't move and don't go
to sleep.   That actually helped.  I knew I had to do it THIS time and I
could not do it again.  It is like the second jump out of an airplane -
first time you don’t know what is coming, second time….you know.

After what seemed like an eternity, I began to get leg cramps and "hundreds"
of ticks and scorpions began to crawl all over me.  There are no scorpions
in [deleted] and I know that, but I was hallucinating and it was so real.  I
somehow detached from that as well.  If you asked me how, I don't know if I
could tell you. At one point, my little finger on my right hand was so numb
that I actually thought I must have cut it off with my knife.  I think it
was because my elbow was laying against the stone surface and the nerve got
crushed so I could not feel it. I could actually "see" it laying there and
yet I was so "uncaring". I really didn't care.  Bizarre. .None the less….

The stars crept across the sky…. And I mean crept.  Airplanes were a
wonderful distraction and the shooting stars were infrequent but truly
wonderful.  I have never had a longer night in my life...


I guess about when the night was half over it started to get really light
over in the east and I thought "well that was not so bad"… and then the moon
came up - SHIT!

What I didn't know is that the temperature went to 46 degrees F last night.  
I was poorly dressed for that weather so I guess I had an advantage.  It is
hard to fall asleep when you are shivering uncontrollably.

About 5:00 it started getting light in the east and when the first bird sang
I almost cried.  I knew I had done it.  I got up about 45 minutes later but
it was the shortest 45 minutes of the night.  Damn… I was glad it was over.  
I don't know if I could do it again.

When I finally got up I could not stand.  My legs were so weak and cold and
I was shivering so hard that I could hardly put my knife and crystal away.  
When I finally got to where I could stand… I was so exhilarated that I
almost ran the two miles to my truck. One other thing that I really fucked
up on was not spraying myself with OFF before doing this.  You would think a
guy that has spent as much time in the woods hunting and fishing  as I have
would be smarter than that.  I must have had 50 ticks to dig out this
morning!  I guess stupidity should be painful.

As to what I learned… I would not say that I got any big revelation about my
destiny but that may have been because I was so focused staying awake and
being still. I did learn that if I can freeze my ass off and not move, have,
what I really thought were real ticks and scorpions crawling on me and not
move….maybe I can do many other things to.

I feel good about completing this step. Perhaps other insights will come but
right now I am glad it is over.  Really glad.  I was dreading it so.  I told
you at one point that I am far less intimidated about spending three months
in the woods that I was this.  Hell, three months in the woods sounds like a
vacation… hunt, fish, camp and think .. how bad is that?